in many ways, this post will be about saying goodbye. you see, i’ve been in a clear case of shutdown since early august. i guess that would be about a month, now, would it not?? i am quite thankful that mister jones has somehow read my irritability and other fucky emotions as not processing grief. he has been hooking up the rollee home and taking the entire pencilfox family on short roadtrips. we camp. we build fires. we cook. we eat. we do. and do was what i needed. now that i am home again, i shall be doing more do. i shall be saying more of goodbye. processing garden vegetables and buttoning up the fence ’til next year. goodbye. winterizing the rollee home and shutting ‘er up. goodbye. watching leaves fall from trees. goodbye.
i’ve been quite bothered by my emotional shutdown, knowing i had to do something about this stone-cold black heart of mine before it became a granite slab. one recent morning i woke early and meditated. the image came to me of my heart being the atom in the large hadron collider, atoms and heart proton particles swirling ’round and ’round ’til BANG my heart smashed open. but, yet, it did not merely smash into bits. the mystery of dark matter. that’s what happened. my heart lost its dark matter and exploded into light. larger and more voluminous than ever before.
goodbye to my old ways. goodbye to my heart being stonecold hard. goodbye to not feeling. and hello to the grief that’s been waiting just out there for me to welcome it back in so that i can feel again.
this past weekend while down in kasilof on the kenai peninsula, i sat outside by a campfire, in a bone chilling wind, journaling and writing and writing more. a shadow passed from my left, and all of a sudden, a feeling like nothing i’ll ever be able to put to words came over me. i knew right then that another being joined with me for a split second. there it was. the message. we are ALL enough. we are ALL love.
it’s a good life.