in many ways, this post will be about saying goodbye. you see, i’ve been in a clear case of shutdown since early august. i guess that would be about a month, nowwould it not?? i am quite thankful that mister jones has somehow read my irritability and other fucky emotions as not processing grief. he has been hooking up the rollee home and taking the entire pencilfox family on short roadtrips. we camp. we build fires. we cook. we eat. we do. and do was what i needed. now that i am home again, i shall be doing more do. i shall be saying more of goodbye. processing garden vegetables and buttoning up the fence ’til next year. goodbye. winterizing the rollee home and shutting ‘er up. goodbye. watching leaves fall from trees. goodbye. 

i’ve been quite bothered by my emotional shutdown, knowing i had to do something about this stone-cold black heart of mine before it became a granite slab. one recent morning i woke early and meditated. the image came to me of my heart being the atom in the large hadron collider, atoms and heart proton particles swirling ’round and ’round ’til BANG my heart smashed open. but, yet, it did not merely smash into bits. the mystery of dark matter. that’s what happened. my heart lost its dark matter and exploded into light. larger and more voluminous than ever before.

goodbye to my old ways. goodbye to my heart being stonecold hard. goodbye to not feeling. and hello to the grief that’s been waiting just out there for me to welcome it back in so that i can feel again.

this past weekend while down in kasilof on the kenai peninsula, i sat outside by a campfire, in a bone chilling wind, journaling and writing and writing more. a shadow passed from my left, and all of a sudden, a feeling like nothing i’ll ever be able to put to words came over me. i knew right then that another being joined with me for a split second. there it was. the message. we are ALL enough. we are ALL love. 



it’s a good life.






12 thoughts on “saying goodbye.

  1. What a lovely post and what a beautiful new journal…not many things more rewarding than searching and finding…I think of you daily with much love

  2. What a journey you’ve been on, dear woman. Holding you in my heart and smiling because you’ve found the way to open your own heart and move forward.

    PS…I see Ziggy employs the same begging technique as Durango. 🙂

  3. that atom smasher meditation works quite well. [~wink]

    and, yes, it’s quite the effective begging technique our pooches employ, eh?


  4. beautiful! i think of you often marie. i will be writing soon. life, just life. i am happy to hear this grief is moving through and you are coming to better places. seems we are living our lives in parallel, though i’m a few steps behind. sending big love.

  5. Beautiful pictures. You know, I prowled your blog for days trying to find what it was that caused you so much grief but could never figure it out. It doesn’t matter now, I’m just happy you seem to have found your way through it.

  6. I have no idea how I am just seeing this, but timing has its own time and is usually pretty purposeful. I just think you have such a beautiful soul and I am not surprised you received the message you did. 💕

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