let’s get real. real fuckin’ real. i have been studying internal martial arts for about a month’s time and i feel so very different inside and out. mind and heart and spirit and body. just today i felt flowy instead of stiff or robotic as we performed some gentle stretches and energy gathering-storing movements with our arms and hands. even as we went into stances which i find difficult because of wonky knees and undeveloped balance, i was able to escape my mind and body and slip into the nothingness of it all. the biggest difference i see in myself is that i no longer feel suicidal and i often find peace in the yolk of my being. i have discovered my own personal true power. i am not powerless. i am able to translate what i learn in class sessions into feeling instead of thinking. i have found my true center and am processing and transmuting. and i can call bullshit, especially on myself. now i just need to walk on rice paper without leaving my mark and snatch that pebble from my teacher’s hand.