there and back.

where have i been, you ask? quietly seeking myself, i reply. you see, it has been like this : there’s so much i want to change, but i have control only over myself and my own reactions.

this has not been an easy journey. i went inward and discovered i like it there. i truly do.

i am not yet ready to socialize. i do not feel like being anywhere, except safe in the circle of those that treat me gently. and given that, i have not been active within social media sites. i just do not feel like i belong there. i do not need approval from anyone else right now. and just because i feel like saying this, you do not need approval from anyone else, either.

recently, i traveled to the city for a surgical check and left that appointment feeling quite bullied. i cried for two days. really. i did. and now that i allowed release, sweet release, it is all flowing from me like a creek that has become swollen from heavy rains. my thinking is that having been under anaesthesia for a couple hours, something that has been held prisoner in my cells has been given freedom to be felt.

so, where have i been? alone in the house, me and the animals. in my room. playing music quite loudly. singing even more loudly. or sitting in silence. laying out watercolours and bones and freshly-torn paper and brushes and handbooks of paintings from the past couple of years. feathers, many feathers. and thoughts. and feelings. all in a pile in front of me, begging for a swipe of the hand to spread them all out for deciphering, for reading, much like a shaman would read me and my spiritual injuries.

so that is where i have been. hold tight i tell myself. this is a journey, and every step must be walked and felt until i reach the end.

10 thoughts on “there and back.

  1. Was so good to see you this week, my friend in her boots and beautiful skirts. Your journey is only going to get better……see you soon!

  2. Sometimes there aren’t enough feathers. 😉

    Other times, I just want to kick my ophthalmologist in the leg.

    Guess it’s all part of the journey.

  3. i hear ya. sometimes there aren’t enough feathers. [milo feels the same way. (~wink)]
    and i hear ya on wanting to kick the doctor in the leg. it IS all part of the journey, dammit.

  4. no, the wolves are from a children’s book. i sat reading in the children’s section one day and that book was on the windowsill shelf.

  5. you must feel the same or you would not be out with the wild horses, because, for you, that would be much like turning inward.

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