where have i been, you ask? quietly seeking myself, i reply. you see, it has been like this : there’s so much i want to change, but i have control only over myself and my own reactions.
this has not been an easy journey. i went inward and discovered i like it there. i truly do.
i am not yet ready to socialize. i do not feel like being anywhere, except safe in the circle of those that treat me gently. and given that, i have not been active within social media sites. i just do not feel like i belong there. i do not need approval from anyone else right now. and just because i feel like saying this, you do not need approval from anyone else, either.
recently, i traveled to the city for a surgical check and left that appointment feeling quite bullied. i cried for two days. really. i did. and now that i allowed release, sweet release, it is all flowing from me like a creek that has become swollen from heavy rains. my thinking is that having been under anaesthesia for a couple hours, something that has been held prisoner in my cells has been given freedom to be felt.
so, where have i been? alone in the house, me and the animals. in my room. playing music quite loudly. singing even more loudly. or sitting in silence. laying out watercolours and bones and freshly-torn paper and brushes and handbooks of paintings from the past couple of years. feathers, many feathers. and thoughts. and feelings. all in a pile in front of me, begging for a swipe of the hand to spread them all out for deciphering, for reading, much like a shaman would read me and my spiritual injuries.
so that is where i have been. hold tight i tell myself. this is a journey, and every step must be walked and felt until i reach the end.