Loving Me. [Warning : It Gets Real.]

 

I want to talk to you about Love.

I just recently completed several months of counseling. I was attending because I had difficulty loving myself. Difficulty defining self love. Difficulty thinking I deserved love. Nor did I believe I was worthy of life itself.

In other words, I was suicidal. For years on end.

Although the trip there and back (Canada-to-Yellowstone-and-Back-to-Alaska) was one phenomenal and spectacular journey (wherein an online acquaintance became a friend), I did not like my reactions. None of them. Only on the return trip homeward did I find some joy. Maybe that’s because I had made up my mind at that point to seek help upon my arrival home.

And, help I found.

Something in me shifted.

I am no longer suicidal.

Funny thing is, when I say the words to people — “I was suicidal” — I get the strangest looks. Looks of disbelief. Looks of denial. Looks in general.

My counselor (who shall go unnamed but is in my heart forever) told me I needed to go deep inside myself and find that girl that suffered years of abuse (real abuse and non-protection, which is abuse in and of itself) and bring her forward into my heart, into my life, and acknowledge her, love her. So, I began remembering what it was about the-child-myself that I truly loved. All those characteristics? — they are still alive in me. I just simply forgot to live them every day. I simply forgot who I was. It’s like that quote “Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?” What happened to me was the accumulation and culmination of years of being knocked on my ass by so many bullies and mean girls and hateful adults….and I took all those negative words into my heart and believed them.

No more.

Nope, no more.

That little girl? I found her and I love her.

am her.

And you know what else is happening?? The Universe is giving me heart rocks. All over Coyote Hill. Everywhere I look. I look down, there’s a heart rock. And another one. And another one……

 

That’s my sign right there :: I am loved. 

 

******

 

 

8 thoughts on “Loving Me. [Warning : It Gets Real.]

  1. Oh Foxy. I’m so glad you found the love that matters most & for which there are no substitutes, no matter how hard we look. Mad respect (& *love*) to you for the journey, for your honesty, and for your sharing. I’m so sorry for the harm you’ve experienced and the hardness you’ve had to traverse on your way here. And I’m so glad you reached out for, and found, support. That too takes so much strength.

  2. I’m happy for you. Self-love is difficult, and a code I’m not sure I’ve cracked myself. Please remain vigilant.

    I’m often not so much suicidal as I am simply ambivalent to being alive. I also often wonder if we put too much of a premium on living. What are we clinging to anyway? It’s something I think about often.

    But then, as now, the evening sun will break through the clouds and the raindrops collected on the half-circle of metal loops my bird feeders hang on will glisten and sparkle like tiny jewels, and, at least for the moment, I get it….

  3. I hear ya, Chris. And *I know* you have seen beauty in this life because I see it in your photos and I read it in your words. And, I felt it when I hugged you.

  4. I love when I get a glimpse into your heart. Thank you for sharing this part of you here with us (me) and for doing the work to love and support yourself and allow us to witness that shift. I am honored to know you and I am glad you want to stay with us earthly souls. I know the siren call of the other side myself it can be enticing. Big hugs friend! ♥️♥️♥️♥️

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