I want to talk to you about Love.
I just recently completed several months of counseling. I was attending because I had difficulty loving myself. Difficulty defining self love. Difficulty thinking I deserved love. Nor did I believe I was worthy of life itself.
In other words, I was suicidal. For years on end.
Although the trip there and back (Canada-to-Yellowstone-and-Back-to-Alaska) was one phenomenal and spectacular journey (wherein an online acquaintance became a friend), I did not like my reactions. None of them. Only on the return trip homeward did I find some joy. Maybe that’s because I had made up my mind at that point to seek help upon my arrival home.
And, help I found.
Something in me shifted.
I am no longer suicidal.
Funny thing is, when I say the words to people — “I was suicidal” — I get the strangest looks. Looks of disbelief. Looks of denial. Looks in general.
My counselor (who shall go unnamed but is in my heart forever) told me I needed to go deep inside myself and find that girl that suffered years of abuse (real abuse and non-protection, which is abuse in and of itself) and bring her forward into my heart, into my life, and acknowledge her, love her. So, I began remembering what it was about the-child-myself that I truly loved. All those characteristics? — they are still alive in me. I just simply forgot to live them every day. I simply forgot who I was. It’s like that quote “Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?” What happened to me was the accumulation and culmination of years of being knocked on my ass by so many bullies and mean girls and hateful adults….and I took all those negative words into my heart and believed them.
Nope, no more.
That little girl? I found her and I love her.
I am her.
And you know what else is happening?? The Universe is giving me heart rocks. All over Coyote Hill. Everywhere I look. I look down, there’s a heart rock. And another one. And another one……
That’s my sign right there :: I am loved.